I was at a funeral for a friends mother last week. The church was small and crowded and I am not a huge fan of death and smelling old people sweat so I stood in the back...way back...I stood outside. As the mourners filed out through the doors I was there, ready to console the grieving for as long as would be needed or until the after funeral buffet would be available.
The mother of a friend from high school whom I haven't seen in nearly twenty years emerged and was greeting some friends of mine when she ended up in front of me. I said hello Mrs. Soontoberudeass, It's me Soontobeinsulted. She looked me up and down and said " Oh, you got round".
This is why people pull the plug, warehouse senior citizens in nursing homes or leave them to die in cat feces.
It is a funeral for Christs sake, show some dignity.
I took my outstretched hand that was meant for a hug and pushed her aside telling her that was an awfully inappropriate thing to say.
I noticed that behind me was another guy from school who is way bigger than I am. I wondered if anyone says those kinds of things to him. I bet they just tell him he looks sharp in his suit or they may just ask him how things are.
Then it dawned on me, I am the Goldilocks of chubbiness. I am not fat enough to make people feel sorry for me or to be embarrassed about commenting on my weight, but I am not trim enough for them to ignore it.
I am in no mans fat land.
I realized then that I needed to either lose twenty pounds or gain thirty, I could no longer sit on the fat fence.
So I joined the gym.
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